It takes thinking to realize why we believe or do not believe in something. Simple. But, it is not so easy to initially realize and how it impacts others in our communities. That is the lesson I learned through my Psychology of Marriage class (Psych 301) and time with my Shandon College ministry: how necessary it is to critically think in order to be a good role model. The special topic I came to this realization through was marriage.
I’ve noticed that marriage is often talked about in fluff and do's-and-don'ts.
Find the ‘one’. Don’t be a bore.
The heart wants what the heart wants. Have boundaries.
The wife is always right. Don’t nag.
Honestly, do we even know why we believe in them? Why should I not nag? Why have boundaries? How do we know if there is the ‘one’? Should I trust my heart over all things?
And, nobody model healthy dating, courting, engagement or marriage for me. I had all these thoughts and yet no idea what healthy relationships- in general- looked like.
Going into my first relationship as a senior in high school, these types of cliches and dating advice lead me to believe I knew what I was doing. I had heard them for so long that they became integrated into my beliefs. Because I did not take the time to critically think through my beliefs about love and dating nor had a good role model for a healthy relationship, I got hurt in more ways than one. Thank God (seriously) for grace and rescue because now I know what and why I believe what I believe about love and marriage. More importantly, I know why critical thinking is necessary so that I can model healthy relationships for those I serve in my community.
Taking Psychology of Marriage with Rhea Merck was a part of this learning process. From the beginning, she told us we were going to venture through questioning what marriage is and can be. We read through John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and it challenged my assumptions about love and marriage. Before reading this book, I began to realize that I had not thought through my beliefs about love. I couldn’t explain why I believed the things I did with any evidence or support. After reading one-third of this book, I had confirmation that I was right: I had no idea why!
Gottman's second principle, “Nurture your fondness and admiration,” and third principle, “Turn toward each other instead of away,” particularly made me question my beliefs on marriage because I agreed with them, but Gottman’s evidence for these principles caught me off guard. I was expecting different answers (or at least not his reasoning behind them). Artifacts 1 and 2 show my sticky note thoughts while reading these chapters as well as my great bewilderment in learning them. It intensified my search for understanding, and it was through reading God’s Word and seeing my college pastor, Conor Ospechuk, model healthy relationships that I came to fully understand what I believed and the why behind it.
Spending time with Conor Osepchuk during Live Sent Summer Project* and in Shandon College ministry finalized my search for what I believed about love and marriage. While Conor was not the first to give me scriptural evidence for biblical marriage, he was the first to model it for me. Throughout Live Sent, Conor talked about God’s love and marriage with me and the team. Sometimes it was over lunch in an Ethiopian restaurant in D.C., as shown in Artifact 3, or by the campfire in Denver, Colorado, like in Artifact 4. These were continual conversations from a man living out what God’s Word said. I could ask him questions and do life with. His wife, Kelsey, also helps in our ministry, and I got to witness how they loved each other and those in their community. Everything Conor told us about love matched his actions. He knew what he believed, and he modeled it through his marriage to Kelsey as well as his love for us. I got to see a living, breathing model of a healthy relationship! Live Sent and Shandon College, I thought, were chances for me to serve others, yet Conor and Kelsey served me as role model and mentors.
Between my time taking Psych 301 and doing community service through Shandon College, I learned about love and marriage and had it modeled for me. Even more so, I got to see the impact of critically thinking and modeling in my life. As I look back on my time here, I see the girls and guys I got to pour into with my words and actions. I was able to be a good role model because someone was a good role model to me. Without Psych 301 and Conor and Kelsey, I might never had understood the necessity of critically thinking and modeling in building relationships and serving my community. I can walk through love and other difficult topics with my girls in Shandon College ministry because I know what I believe while also modeling it for them. I can be a good mentor who knows what they believe and puts it into practice.
And, I would never have known it if the Lord had not led me through critically thinking about marriage and gave me a role model for a healthy relationship.
I’ve since had to think through more things: how to best reach people, how to share God’s Word or how to serve different types of people. May I keep critically thinking, so I can model it for those in my community. May I do so to be the best servant leader I can be.
Proverbs 14:15 says, “The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps”.
1 Corinthians 11:1 tells us, "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ".
*Live Sent was an 8-week mission trip during Summer 2021 through Shandon College Ministry. It was spent one week in D.C., one week in Denver, CO, three weeks in Columbia, SC, and two weeks in Tijuana, Mexico. Here is a link to see more: https://youtu.be/5OaxI4q8NcE
Artifacts
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press: NY.
Artifact 1
Artifact 2
Artifact 3
Artifact 4
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